Content Warning: Bad Language

Computer Woes, a Poem by Kath Rella

A BIOS update is not a photo, dumbass,
I felt I must utter to my PC,
as if it were human and understood,
but sadly, it’s as human as a tree.

My computer wants to be helpful,
I understand that part, I do.
It wants to organise all my files,
and it can be invaluable, it’s true.

But every now and then it irks me,
when it does such stupid things,
like putting CAP files in the camera folder,
or babbling about network pings.

And please don’t get me started
on the graphics options in games,
I have a Radeon Two-Ninety-X, you dope,
and far more V-RAM than it claims.

Yes, I can run Tomb Raider on max settings,
with sexy hair effects and all.
Lara could be a human being,
far more real than Warcraft’s Thrall.

But for reasons I understand not why,
the system doubts itself,
and although Skyrim should be easy pickings,
that’s one hell of a blocky elf.

This system is set up for power,
with it’s forty-seven ninety kay,
and sixteen gigabytes of super-fast RAM,
so let’s push it to the max today.

I know that you can handle this,
and you could do so without fear!
So why do you wish to underperform?
It only makes me sneer.

I built this system and so I wonder,
is this how my father felt,
when I uttered the words ‘I can’t do it’
regardless of what hand was dealt?

Bollocks to this, let’s try again,
and launch Mass Effect Two,
because I’m going to get the best from this,
before this day is through.

And no, I don’t want to update Windows,
I’m trying to save the galaxy!
The Collectors aren’t going to wait forever,
and dawdling informs calamity.

Why the hell have the settings defaulted
to medium graphics quality?
My fifty-eight fifty didn’t piss and moan!
It treated this game with such frivolity.

Maybe compatibility is the reason,
for all the issues I face,
so I’ll go look for driver updates,
and install them just in case.

Whatever the cause I must now recall,
the wise words from my old tutor,
to err is human so they say,
but to foul things up, you need a computer!